Big Hairy Nuts

Yesterday I emailed my sister having a big WAAAH about why I seem to lose all confidence in myself the second things don't go the way I wished them to. She responded with what I am now terming "The Big Hairy Nuts Pep Talk". The big hairy nuts pep talk however, whilst it did have an element of "grow some balls coz you're an amazing independent woman", was mainly a "surrender to the universe" message.

Now surrendering is something that I have proven to fail at massively in my life. Whilst doing the Hoffman Quadrinity course a few years ago, I was even given the tag word of "surrender", which at the time I couldn't really see the significance of.  In hindsight I understand perfectly that the universe was lining up all my experiences for me and that I would eventually get to the point of seeing the meaning and the importance of this term.

Ever since I was a kid I have suffered from anxiety and especially as a teenager I never quite felt normal.  I couldn't understand why everyone else could go about life with what seemed to be little effort or hassle, yet many a day for me were pure torture. Even as I grew older and became an adult, it was as if I didn't have the ability to cope that everyone else had and everything seemed like such a struggle. I went through the whole game of trying anti-depressants and not feeling any different, seeing counsellor after counsellor, and still always feeling like an element was missing.

No matter how hard I tried, and believe me, I tried hard, self-educating, reading and trying everything I possibly could, I still just didn't feel quite right. Basically I tried everything I could to control my life so that I didn't feel this out of control feeling. But the more I tried to control, the less control I realised I had. No this is not my sob story, however we all do have one, this is just the prelude to the next paragraph...

Now being the firework that I currently am (or that I feel like I am anyway - insert Katy Perry tune here) I know that it's all sorted itself out. It took years of personal growth, attempted medication, vitamins, hormones etc etc to finally get my shit sorted. And I can honestly say that my shit is sorted out to a point that I never imagined it ever could or would.

In saying that, it doesn't mean I have everything in my life that I want, and it doesn't mean that I have achieved everything I want to achieve. All it means for me is that I'm finally feeling like a "normal" person, and possibly even happier or more motivated than the "normal" person. (WTF is "normal" anyway...).

So whilst I am feeling like this indestructible chick, I still have meltdown moments which are off path to who I want to be, or to who I am striving to be. But having these out-of-control moments only side track me for the a very short term now. I also very much get caught up between wanting to do what's in my heart and what my head is telling me to do (or not do). Which one is right?? (me trying to control again and make the "right" decision)   -Which is when I email my sister and get delivered with the big hairy nuts pep talk.

But I still question, which one is right? There are things my heart screams to do, and sometimes they're the things my head screams at me to NOT do.  I have never been good at following the rules, I like to create my own game and my own rules, but when the rest of society is playing a different game to me it just makes me look like a loser and I end up getting subbed off.

But I want to be more spontaneous, life is so precious. I want to tell people how I feel about them, why, just because that's who I am. I couldn't bear the thought that if I had one chance to say what's on my mind that the moment might pass me without a word being uttered and that person might not ever really know how I feel. I have started to say I love you to my family so much more, and not so much as an embarrassed mumble, but as a "my life is awesome because you're in it and I desperately need to tell you how important you are to me" kind of way.  I have started saying it to my friends too, even if just in words on an email, text message or facebook post, but just to get the words out there. I love you! My life rocks because you're in it! I feel like I have this desperate need for people to know how much they mean to me. And not so I get reassurance back, I used to always need that, but less so these days. I just feel like I have this capacity to love and be happy like I never have before, and maybe I'm scared that it won't last and so I need to make the most of it while it's here. It's like this massive force, this massive power, that I need to unleash on the universe :)

OK, so I know I sound effing crazy, but strap yourself in, it gets worse.... Especially when I have PMS.... When I have PMS I can sometimes be in absolute tears about the fact that I can't protect my gorgeous nephews from the world. I get so angry at the universe that I feel so powerless when I so desperately want to be their forcefield.  I end up only being able to show them I love them by sending them birthday presents, or being silly with them when I see them. They will never truly understand the extent of the love that I feel for them. That doesn't matter, because it's not about me, but I wish I could just channel my love for them to be more useful. Does that even make sense.. I don't know...

I was laying in bed last night, I couldn't sleep, and it's been happening to me a lot lately, where I feel the need to achieve something, to just DO something.  It's not a feeling of discontent either, because I have never been more content with the present before. I have goals, I am planning to achieve them, I am working on study goals, work goals, bucket list goals etc etc, so I'm well and truly moving forward in my life and enjoying the process. What I mean is, I'm not feeling held back by my life or the process that it takes to achieve my goals.  So this feeling that's keeping me up at night, I honestly to god just feel like I have so much positivity that I need to channel somehow. I need to move into the next stage of my life.

This is where I should be practising how to surrender, just enjoying my life as it is. I am though, I am enjoying my life every single day right now! But it's as if I need more, well, it's as if I need to GIVE more I should say. Maybe this is just my impatience kicking in, I have never been a patient person (possibly am not as content as I first thought). Maybe the idea of being a counsellor, a wellness coach, a girlfriend, a superstar, a wife, a big hairy nuts world speaker, a mother, a princess, a traveller, is just all so close to me right now that I'm already feeling the feelings, but I just have nowhere to channel it all at the moment.

I know, channel it to myself (*sigh*) but there is only SO much self-loving a person can do (*eye rolls*). Just ask my vibrator (*vibrator sighs*).

Universe, I promise I will continue practicing my surrendering, if you promise to start giving me some signs that everything is on it's way.... (oh fuck. I'm trying to control again.....)