My Own Adaptation of 'He's Just Not That Into You'

Now I am the first to put my hand up and agree to what a funky awesome writer Greg Behrendt is.  He has gotten me through many a tough time in my life and as a woman gives me the kick up the backside that I occasionally need.  In saying that, I am going to spend this blog post adding my own touch to Greg's ‘He’s Just Not That Into’ philosophy.

I love this book and philosophy because it reminds me of my worth.  It reminds me that I am worthy of a great relationship.  It reminds that I have a life of my own, and regardless of the situation I should not spend my time trying to figure out whether a guy likes me or not.  And on top of that, that I shouldn’t judge my worth depending on what his feelings are about me.

That’s all simple enough stuff for me, I get all that.  What doesn’t feel right for me is when the philosophy starts to go into saying that a guy is an “arsehole” if he doesn’t call the woman, doesn’t want to be dating them, or be in a relationship with them.  I can’t stand the whole ‘bitter woman’ mentality of “fuck him for not calling me”, or “he must be a loser if he doesn’t want to be with me”.  I cannot and will not buy into that defensive, insecure, revengeful and bitter mentality.  (Let me just state that the book doesn’t go into too much of that anger stuff but moreso uses it occasionally to motivate.) 

The fact that a guy does not call does not make him an arsehole.  It simply makes him a guy who chose not to call.  Purely his prerogative.  I think the issue is more with the woman if she gets defensive and angry about the fact that a guy doesn’t call.  To react in such a negative way proves lack of self-esteem, and why on earth would a guy WANT to be with a woman who has the ability to be such a harsh bitch?

I’m probably going to cop it from women out there, but hear me out, I’m not done…

If I go out to dinner with a guy that I think I might like and I choose to kiss him etc, the fact that he doesn’t call doesn’t change the fact that he was a nice enough guy for me to want to go out with and kiss in the first place.  He is still that same guy.  He is still just as funny, just as attractive, just as personable, just as kissable.  I would only debate that he maybe isn’t as smart as what I first thought because if he was then he’d be banging my door down right about now, ha ha.  I’M KIDDING.  He is still just as intelligent as he was before, and him not calling doesn’t change the fact that I still like who he is as a person and that I want to kiss him again given the chance. 

What annoys me is those women who think that because they went to dinner, or because they kissed the guy, that they are now somehow owed something.  He owes you nothing sweetheart!  Man up!!

Therefore whilst I love the kick-arse parts of the book that motivate me to have self-respect and not settle for anything less than what I want in my life and relationships, I do not agree with the women who use it an excuse to become man-haters.  Yes of course some men are going to be arseholes, just as much as some women are going to be bitches, all I’m saying is don’t buy into labelling people and getting angry just because the outcome wasn’t what you might have hoped for.  Use every experience to help you clarify in your own mind what you do and do not want, and take responsibility for your own actions. 

I love balancing Greg Behrendt’s philosophies with those from Susan Jeffers.  Susan’s lessons, like Greg’s, are about self-responsibility and self-worth, but she comes from such a place of love and gentleness.  A few of her books go into the idea of giving without expecting anything in return.  She talks about doing things that you want to do, but doing it purely for the want of the giving, not for any receiving.  The idea of controlling your own words and actions but not needing/wanting to control the words and actions of others.  And if you feel disappointment if you don’t get the response you want, then not blaming the other, but taking responsibility and realising that it’s something YOU have to work on yourself.  I LOVE that idea.  Total self-responsibility, total self-control.  It’s only ever about me!  (Geez, I’m so self-involved, thinking it’s all about me, hee hee).

Susan also talks in her writings of a lesson she was taught by Ken Keyes.  The lesson is to upgrade your ‘addictions’ to ‘preferences’.  This is something that can be used by everyone in all relationships.  Whenever we get frustrated by someone’s behaviour, whether it be a partner, a co-worker, a friend, or a family member, we have the opportunity to upgrade our addictions to preferences.  In the example of the guy who doesn’t call, I might have a preference for him to call, but I do not need to be addicted to it, I do not depend on it.

So next time you get annoyed at your partner for not putting the toilet seat down, rather than going all psycho on him, change your addiction to a preference, i.e. you would prefer him to put the seat down, but your happiness doesn’t depend on it.  Let go of control and learn to be more flexible.  And if it bothers you THAT much, then you need to deal with your OWN issues about it.

(Also use this information to empower yourself. For example, if you decide that one of your requirements of a partner is that he MUST put the toilet seat down then take responsibility for your own happiness and find a man who DOES put the toilet seat down, rather than demanding it from someone who can’t give it to you for whatever reason.)

Anyway, back on track… I think it’s ridiculous that women (or men) get defensive and angry at the opposite sex and yet they claim they want a relationship.  Let me tell you, if I ever dated a man who hated women and was bitter towards women I wouldn’t want to be with him. So why should any woman be able to claim that she deserves a man/relationship if she’s going to go around calling them arseholes just because they may not have lived up to her preferences.

My personal opinion, and that’s all this is, MY opinion only, is that it comes down to insecurity.  In life and in relationships when we’re insecure we look for guarantees.  I’m sorry to say it, but there aren’t any.  As Susan Jeffers puts it perfectly “The only thing we can safely trust is our ability to handle what anyone ever does to us”. So rather than being addicted to another person’s behaviour and reaction, instead focus on trusting in your own ability so that no matter what happens YOU’LL HANDLE IT.

By all means I am not saying that I have mastered this yet, I am a constant work in progress.  This blog isn’t about me preaching to everyone, it’s about my own personal growth and the lessons that I am learning and practicing along the way.  And to finish my post tonight I will share with you one of my fave quotes from one of Susan’s books:

“We need to become adults in love. An adult feels secure, doesn’t blame, takes responsibility for his/her experience in life, isn’t rigid, goes with the flow, expects to contribute his/her fair share, keeps his/her word, appreciates and doesn’t take things for granted. An adult truly is an amazing picture of power and love”.

Or as Greg Behrendt puts it “The only thing less sexy than overwhelming need is shitting your pants”.

Big Hairy Nuts

Yesterday I emailed my sister having a big WAAAH about why I seem to lose all confidence in myself the second things don't go the way I wished them to. She responded with what I am now terming "The Big Hairy Nuts Pep Talk". The big hairy nuts pep talk however, whilst it did have an element of "grow some balls coz you're an amazing independent woman", was mainly a "surrender to the universe" message.

Now surrendering is something that I have proven to fail at massively in my life. Whilst doing the Hoffman Quadrinity course a few years ago, I was even given the tag word of "surrender", which at the time I couldn't really see the significance of.  In hindsight I understand perfectly that the universe was lining up all my experiences for me and that I would eventually get to the point of seeing the meaning and the importance of this term.

Ever since I was a kid I have suffered from anxiety and especially as a teenager I never quite felt normal.  I couldn't understand why everyone else could go about life with what seemed to be little effort or hassle, yet many a day for me were pure torture. Even as I grew older and became an adult, it was as if I didn't have the ability to cope that everyone else had and everything seemed like such a struggle. I went through the whole game of trying anti-depressants and not feeling any different, seeing counsellor after counsellor, and still always feeling like an element was missing.

No matter how hard I tried, and believe me, I tried hard, self-educating, reading and trying everything I possibly could, I still just didn't feel quite right. Basically I tried everything I could to control my life so that I didn't feel this out of control feeling. But the more I tried to control, the less control I realised I had. No this is not my sob story, however we all do have one, this is just the prelude to the next paragraph...

Now being the firework that I currently am (or that I feel like I am anyway - insert Katy Perry tune here) I know that it's all sorted itself out. It took years of personal growth, attempted medication, vitamins, hormones etc etc to finally get my shit sorted. And I can honestly say that my shit is sorted out to a point that I never imagined it ever could or would.

In saying that, it doesn't mean I have everything in my life that I want, and it doesn't mean that I have achieved everything I want to achieve. All it means for me is that I'm finally feeling like a "normal" person, and possibly even happier or more motivated than the "normal" person. (WTF is "normal" anyway...).

So whilst I am feeling like this indestructible chick, I still have meltdown moments which are off path to who I want to be, or to who I am striving to be. But having these out-of-control moments only side track me for the a very short term now. I also very much get caught up between wanting to do what's in my heart and what my head is telling me to do (or not do). Which one is right?? (me trying to control again and make the "right" decision)   -Which is when I email my sister and get delivered with the big hairy nuts pep talk.

But I still question, which one is right? There are things my heart screams to do, and sometimes they're the things my head screams at me to NOT do.  I have never been good at following the rules, I like to create my own game and my own rules, but when the rest of society is playing a different game to me it just makes me look like a loser and I end up getting subbed off.

But I want to be more spontaneous, life is so precious. I want to tell people how I feel about them, why, just because that's who I am. I couldn't bear the thought that if I had one chance to say what's on my mind that the moment might pass me without a word being uttered and that person might not ever really know how I feel. I have started to say I love you to my family so much more, and not so much as an embarrassed mumble, but as a "my life is awesome because you're in it and I desperately need to tell you how important you are to me" kind of way.  I have started saying it to my friends too, even if just in words on an email, text message or facebook post, but just to get the words out there. I love you! My life rocks because you're in it! I feel like I have this desperate need for people to know how much they mean to me. And not so I get reassurance back, I used to always need that, but less so these days. I just feel like I have this capacity to love and be happy like I never have before, and maybe I'm scared that it won't last and so I need to make the most of it while it's here. It's like this massive force, this massive power, that I need to unleash on the universe :)

OK, so I know I sound effing crazy, but strap yourself in, it gets worse.... Especially when I have PMS.... When I have PMS I can sometimes be in absolute tears about the fact that I can't protect my gorgeous nephews from the world. I get so angry at the universe that I feel so powerless when I so desperately want to be their forcefield.  I end up only being able to show them I love them by sending them birthday presents, or being silly with them when I see them. They will never truly understand the extent of the love that I feel for them. That doesn't matter, because it's not about me, but I wish I could just channel my love for them to be more useful. Does that even make sense.. I don't know...

I was laying in bed last night, I couldn't sleep, and it's been happening to me a lot lately, where I feel the need to achieve something, to just DO something.  It's not a feeling of discontent either, because I have never been more content with the present before. I have goals, I am planning to achieve them, I am working on study goals, work goals, bucket list goals etc etc, so I'm well and truly moving forward in my life and enjoying the process. What I mean is, I'm not feeling held back by my life or the process that it takes to achieve my goals.  So this feeling that's keeping me up at night, I honestly to god just feel like I have so much positivity that I need to channel somehow. I need to move into the next stage of my life.

This is where I should be practising how to surrender, just enjoying my life as it is. I am though, I am enjoying my life every single day right now! But it's as if I need more, well, it's as if I need to GIVE more I should say. Maybe this is just my impatience kicking in, I have never been a patient person (possibly am not as content as I first thought). Maybe the idea of being a counsellor, a wellness coach, a girlfriend, a superstar, a wife, a big hairy nuts world speaker, a mother, a princess, a traveller, is just all so close to me right now that I'm already feeling the feelings, but I just have nowhere to channel it all at the moment.

I know, channel it to myself (*sigh*) but there is only SO much self-loving a person can do (*eye rolls*). Just ask my vibrator (*vibrator sighs*).

Universe, I promise I will continue practicing my surrendering, if you promise to start giving me some signs that everything is on it's way.... (oh fuck. I'm trying to control again.....)

Fortune Cookie Moment

Today I was umming and ahhing in my usual indecisive and stressing manner over whether to take a specific action or not in regards to my current state of affairs.  Sick of frustrating and confusing myself, I handed it over to my Box of Fortune Cookies for the answer.

I opened the cookie, hoping for some concise guidance....  'He who climbs a ladder must begin at the first step'. WTF?? Soooo, does that mean that I should take the first step, or is it telling me to wait and begin at the beginning (of the steps), therefore waiting for the step to be put before me by the other??  I refer to a close friend to tell her what the cookie said, we have a bit of a chuckle about how I need a cookie to tell me what that cookie means.

Ok, so I decide to select another fortune cookie to give me further answers.... 'Every wise man started out by asking many questions'. COME ON!!! Please explain?!  No shit I'm asking questions, hence why I'm seeking answers from the cookie! I laugh out loud as I read the second fortune out loud to my friend

But the confusion continues. Is it telling me that I have the wisdom already, or telling me to continue to ask questions??

After starting to really laugh at how hilarious the cookies are and how much they're just confusing me more we agree to JUST GO ONE MORE.  Ok, so I close my eyes and think carefully about which cookie is giving me a 'vibe'. So I select one, and open it... 'STOP IT'. 

I am seriously laughing so hard by this stage that I could hardly spit the words 'STOP IT' out to my friend. We were in absolute peals of laughter, I had tears almost running down my face, I half fell off my chair onto the floor, and was close to pissing my pants we were laughing so hard.

So I finally get the message. Stop the overthinking. Don't make up stories in my head about what it is or isn't. Let it go. Go with the flow.

Bucket List item #5 - Write a blog

OK, so I've crossed off #5, write a blog. Well I've 'created' a blog anyway and that's about as far as I'll get tonight. Can I go to bed now?

I've been on the phone to iinet for hours tonight trying to get my net connected (finally) and then trying to figure out how blogspot works. I'm exhausted!

How do technologically retarded people like me keep up in today's world... it's a struggle...

Stay tuned, more blog bog coming soon...